It’s been three months since I last blogged.
As I typed that sentence I imagined myself sitting in a confessional…it’s been three months since my last confession… And in a way writing sometimes feels like a confessional. An expunging of the thing inside me that NEEDS to be shared.
I feel a lot of shame having to start a blog post with the above sentence.
So let’s get it all out there. My blog has slowly, but surely, moved down the to-do list in the last three months…and really the last year if we’re being truthful. Writing is a risky, but strengthening place for me to turn. It’s often an experiment in creativity. In the past I’ve used it as a way to verbal process – working through my emotions, deconstructing murky ideas about the world, delving into spiritual truths until they sink in – all in hopes of encouraging myself and maybe even encouraging others in the process. And you thought it was just a way for me to hone my pithy inner dialogue…
But the last six or so months writing has not seemed like a safe place. It feels more like an exercise in futility and insecurity. Feeling an impulse to write has been more ruled with obligation and a need to produce, than a desire to do something that feeds my soul.
AND in the midst of that Paul and I have been finding a new normal and rhythm in our lives. So there has been a very real and justifiable excuse to push it to the background. We’ve been BUSY… Paul is almost six months and nine credits into his Master’s program. I am almost six months into my new position as my organization’s Social Media Manager. Both things are AMAZING answers to prayers, but change takes some adjustment. Paul LOVES his program and I love seeing him in his element. Seeing Paul walk in his calling is one of the best gifts God has ever given to me. I love seeing his heart come alive. I, on the other hand, am loving the opportunity to engage with a new side of non-profit work, walking in several of my giftings as well. I love the challenge that each day brings and am finally getting a footing and strategy.
So there it is.
Mix together a few large life changes and rhythm disrupters, some fears of inadequacy and feelings of insecurity surrounding creativity, and you’ll find my blogging hiatus sitting squarely in front of you.
But I’m owning it. No more fear. No more putting it off for more tangible and deceptively pressing things. Writing, here and elsewhere, is something worth prioritizing.
So to catch up on the last three months, here are three things I’m learning in this season
Number 1: I love feeding people. I do not like doing dishes.
Hard as it might be to believe, I am not the cleanly one in our marriage. Many of you may be gasping, my mother is not. For the almost three years Paul and I been married, we have had a pretty good thing going.
I fed us. He did the dishes.
When we got married I had a desire to grow in my cooking abilities. “Grow” is a generous word because I didn’t really have any ability to start with. It caught me by surprise, but I discovered that I really liked meal planning, experimenting in the kitchen, and inviting others to experience good food. I have found that one of my love languages is food. I love to love people through their tummies.
Enter grad school.
In the midst of our crazy last six months God has BLESSED us like crazy with amazing community! Bringing out the folding table, or just eating around the coffee table Paul and I have been able to host, feed, and love on lots of our favorite people. Being around a table with friends, swapping stories and enjoying food, feeds both our hearts and stomachs. We’ve loved it. But…the system fell apart. Paul’s evenings are full with school after work, and in order to also prioritize friendships and community the prep and clean-up aren’t shared as often. Please hear me, he’s incredible and helps A TON! The man is working full time and going back to school! I just hate dishes and didn’t realize how spoiled I’d become.
Come to think of it, Paul has carried more than his fair share of “household duties” over our marriage. I didn’t realize how much of his cleaning went unnoticed by me. I’m noticing now….and stepping in. It’s an adjustment. And I hate doing dishes. I digress… new rhythms.
Number two: I love yoga.
Tuesday and Thursdays for the last few months at 6 am on Tuesdays and Thursdays, you can find me at the East Nashville YMCA in yoga class. Now my mother really is gasping!
I’m learning to give myself grace when I reset my alarm for an hour later and skip out on my yoga class…like this morning…but mostly I’m loving this new routine and rhythm. It’s a great way to start my day and I’m slowly becoming more flxible and challenging my body in a new way!! It’s a far cry from the running, weight lifting, and other forms of exercise that I normally engage in.
Number three: I am creative.
It’s been a buzzword in many of my conversations, and I blogged a bit about it here, but I’m slowly accepting that I am indeed, creative. About two months ago I decided to take intentional time to delve into the lies that I was buying into – the ones that say I’m not creative, I can’t do something new, I don’t have what it takes, etc. I was lacking vision and wanted to take it on full force.
My husband called it an existential crisis. I’m not sure what I called it. I just knew I wanted to take action.
I designated a journal with a sassy Tina Fey quote on the front, sent as a “just because” surprise from my Mother In Love a few weeks before, as my vision journal and got to work. I began asking God what He saw in me. He surprised me with a very long list of beautiful attributes that I told myself I would not argue. But to be honest, it’s been daunting. Throughout this exploration, the first thing that’s sinking in is the idea that I am made in my creator’s image. His first action, on page one of the Bible, is to create. He created everything from nothing, then breathed life into humanity. Therefore, creativity, I remind myself daily, is breathed into my DNA.
I’m still in process. But I’m excited to see where this leap takes me.
So there it is. I’m very thankful for all of you that made it to the end of this post. Thankful to get it out there. Thankful that I serve a God who takes my misses, my shame, and my fears at face value and promises to redeem them. Thankful that I am enough, just as I am, but called to more. Thankful for a husband who works hard and steps into purpose and vision. I’m still pretty amazed that I get to call him mine, and that he still finds time to win my heart anew almost every day. Thankful for grace, purpose and vision! Thankful for dirty dishes that remind me of fun nights with friends that are becoming family.
Make today great my friends! You are so very loved!